


Imperfect, Perfect

by southernbookgirl



Category: NCIS
Genre: F/M, Sort of AU, been awhile since I wrote anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:21:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23167660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/southernbookgirl/pseuds/southernbookgirl
Summary: She was not the most verbally expressive, so instead, she wrote a letter.
Relationships: Ellie Bishop & Nick Torres, Ellie Bishop/Nick Torres
Kudos: 19





	Imperfect, Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> It has been over a year since I wrote anything for a fandom. As my current mindset is in academic writing due to graduate school, this may be too formal. Stemming from some personal circumstances and current world events, I wanted to put something to paper; I welcome any feedback. Thank you, and happy reading.

_“No one else will know the strength of my love for you. After all, you’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.”_ _~Anonymous_

* * *

Dear Baby “PB,”

First off, sweetie, this isn’t your name. Till we know who you are, your nickname is a shortened version of your daddy’s preferred nickname, “PBJ”. I wanted “Peanut,” he wanted something more original – so “PB” was a compromise.

I am not much for words, but I wanted to somehow make known these thoughts swirling around in my head right now. Your dad is worried about me – afraid that the situation of baby Cody (that is a story for another time), our jobs, and my past relationships will affect me in how I accept this. Now, do not get me wrong – I so love you already and am so excited to meet you. However, I’d be lying if I said you, at this moment in time, were in the plans. Your dad and I were getting on solid footing with our… dance, if you might, and one stressful week led to a night out, and well, here we are. You may not have been in our plans right now, but know without a doubt your daddy and I love you and cannot wait to meet you.

I do have another secret to confess. I will deny it in front of everyone, sometimes even to him (even if it is just the two of us), but honestly, not providing a home for you – one where your dad and I have figured everything out (I heard it once called a “fully functioning legally bound family” on some talk show) – is something I worry about. I know that a ring or a piece of paper does not mean we will love you, or each other, any less, but our haphazard and scattered lives, with our insecurities, misgivings, and personal fears and failures, is not something I ever want to think could be a distant possibility for you. Your dad and I love you, and in a way, love each other, though that is somewhere we are still getting our bearings together. Nonetheless, in spite of all of these uncertainties, there is one thing I am sure of – we are a family, now and forever.

Your dad – who is trying to decide if he wants to be called “Daddy” or “Papi,” but I will leave the final decision to you – is so excited to meet you in a few months. A few years ago, he’d made it known that he was a bachelor for life. Years of undercover work hardened his heart toward love, but deep within his rock-solid exterior, and beneath his warrior heart, he was a young boy who longed for love and stability, a boy who grew into a man that desired someone with whom he could share the highs and lows, passions and pain. One moment where I realized I had fallen hard for him was when he went out to find Gibbs’ young friend, Phineas. Nick never stopped – memories of a mission in South America brought out his protective side, and it is this protective persistence that led to us finding Phineas. If I’m being honest, he’s micro-managing just a tad, but despite his quirks, I know it is coming from a place of love, compassion, and concern for me and you. Now, I would never tell him that to his face; I’m afraid that might encourage him regarding a few of his more extreme behaviors. But I think you’re wise enough to keep this little secret between us for now.

I was in shock, to say the least, when I found out I was pregnant. I think I sat in the bathroom alone in my apartment for a good hour or two before it really hit me. Your coming certainly wasn’t planned, but now that I know about you, have seen you move and heard your heartbeat, I can’t imagine what life would be like without you.

* * *

After the past few years, I resigned myself to the fact children, or even love, would not be in my future. After having my heart broken so many times, I was afraid to open myself up to the possibility someone cared for, loved me for me – my brown-sugar-chip-loving, board game-obsessed, painting self, with the heart of a fighter but the soul of a shy, scrawny girl who longed for someone to see the complex beauty in the ugly duckling. I fell for a guy who, in the end, did not value our vows to stick through thick and thin, and another was taken from me before I could truly envision a future for us. Loneliness was my constant companion. Yet, so many of the improbabilities occurred: I met your dad; befriended and, somewhere along the way, fell for him; and even in the midst of our personal troubles, you came into being. You coming is something I never thought would be possible, but now I realize it may be something I never knew I wanted, but I would not trade for anything. I may not be able to lyrically express myself like your father can, but I am more excited for this, for all the adventures we are going to have, for you, than I could ever say.

Because I am always good with words, I wanted to put down on paper what I am feeling at this moment: I love you, cherish you, and care for you in such a way that I never knew existed. I thought I had the only love I’d need when I first realized I was falling for your dad, but that love for him is so different compared to the love I have for you already, even though I have yet to officially meet you. (I realize now that the love I have for you is something else I need. It makes everything complete.) There are a lot of scary things and uncertainties in this world, and I want you to know that you will not have to face any of them alone. Your daddy and I only want the best for you, and I hope this letter will one day find its way to you in some shape or form. For now, I am going to write it and put it away for safekeeping. This place of safekeeping represents the part of my heart where you already lie: safe, loved, and highly treasured. But one day, when you’re older, I might pull out this letter to show you. This will prove that I am not always analytical or detached (contrary to what the team might say sometimes); my emotions and feelings just run deep within me.

Though I was raised in a loving home with a wonderful family, the labels thrust upon me in my childhood is what I carried with me as I grew into adulthood. I took what others overlooked in me – my analytical brain, my linguistic abilities – and channeled that into a job, my first out of college as an NSA analyst in Washington, D.C. Until I joined NCIS and attended FLETC, the most action I saw prior to that was when a colleague found out her husband was sleeping with our female supervisor, and responded “appropriately,” in my opinion. Nonetheless, Gibbs saw something in me, and opened up so many doors I could have only fathomed as dreams a decade ago. I will tell you, my IQ is fairly high, but that doesn’t mean I lack an emotional quotient; I just express differently from other people. Look at your dad and me: while I might rattle off observations and calculations to try and rationalize a situation before jumping in, your dad is more likely to go in head-on, yelling or hitting the appropriate target to accomplish his end goal. (That is not to say I would condone that sort of behavior from you; quite the opposite, PB.)

Another thing I want to say: reach out into the world, spread your wings, and never back down from your passions, dreams, and desires in life. There are people in this world that will try to break you down, but know that your dad and I – along with our families and the team – will be here for you, loving you and strengthening you in your weakest and darkest moments. Make sure to always treat people with respect and love. And while much of this world may be filled with people who are sinister and crude, I hope that you will take the higher ground and be the difference the world is looking for. There are good people in this world, and I pray that you will be one of them.

Your dad and I aren’t perfect, but what has made our relationship what it is is that we know it is okay to be different. Those differences, quirks, and idiosyncrasies define us as unique individuals. Loving someone with all of these means the love we have for each other is unlike anything else in the world. I found this quote recently that summarizes this thought best: “Love is built through imperfection, difference and freedom to be what you are, that way [your] love should be long lasting forever.”

Here are several things I want you to know before I end this letter for tonight.

* * *

**_It is okay to fail._  
**Now, coming from a perfectionist like me, that can be hard to admit. However, we all have flaws; we all make mistakes. It is okay to be imperfect. Please don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! While the rest of the world may be pressuring you to look, act, and dress a certain way, I want to encourage you to be nothing but yourself. Don’t let anyone else play a role in your identity as an individual. Never let anyone tell you are worthless. You are priceless – irreplaceable, unmistakable, and incomparable; your uniqueness is a beautiful thing. You are treasured, valued, and loved. Your dad told me this once: “A diamond with a flaw is worth more than a pebble without imperfections.”

 ** _Treat everyone with respect._  
**You do not have to agree with everyone’s decisions, but I do want to encourage you to at least respect people you come in contact with. There are too many people in this world living a life of hate, and the reality is that the world needs people like you to love without boundaries. Love your friends, your family, your enemies, and even people you don’t even know. Walk about your life in a posture of love, no matter what gets thrown your way.

 **_You are loved.  
_**Even if there are times where you’ll feel alone, unwanted, or heaven forbid useless, I want you to remember that you are loved. Your dad and I, your grandparents, aunts and uncles, the team…we all love you and are here for you. Even with our idiosyncrasies and problems, we love each other and those weaknesses help build us up and make us stronger together. And when that day comes where you’ll meet someone who will walk beside you and be there for you in the ups and downs in life, understand this: Don’t make yourself perfect for someone to love you. Just wait for someone who loves your imperfections.

 **_You will always have a home._  
**No matter what happens in life, you can always come back home to your dad and I. This is a simple and powerful truth but it is one that will keep our family strong and bonded in an unshakable way.

 **_You can always talk to us._  
**We’re never going to judge you, criticize you, or make you regret opening your heart to us. No matter what happens, we will always be willing to talk to you with open ears and an open heart. Your dad and I do not want you to ever be afraid to tell us what you’re going through in life. I’m positive we are eventually going to have some tough conversations, but as long as you know we both love you and want the best for you, I hope and pray you will view our counsel as loving and paved with the best intentions.

* * *

There is still another six months or so before you arrive, but I cannot wait to see you. I am certain there will be more that I will think about and want to say. I’ll write it down when the time comes. Get ready for an exciting life of adventure and fun; with Grandpa Gibbs’ team, you never know what the day has in store for you. Your dad and I love you so much and cannot wait to see what the future holds.

We will always be there for you, PB; never, ever doubt that.

Now, I’ve gotta go for now. Your daddy is on this kick where, if I won’t eat steak and eggs, I should be eating peanut butter chocolate chip granola bars. “The perfect blend of salty and sweet, protein and whole grains, all wrapped up in nice, little, snack-size bites” for us. I love the guy for wanting to help me and you to be healthy, but right now, I am craving more for a slice of strawberry rhubarb pie with cookies ‘n cream ice cream on top than a box of peanut butter chocolate chip granola bars. (I used to make the pie with some of my family’s homegrown strawberries when I was a child. Oh, the memories.) It’s a good thing he stocked up on that pie on his last trip out to that fruit stand in Arlington. Nick’s out on a case with McGee in NoVA right now, so I’ll have him pick up a couple of slices and the ice cream on the way back. Your father can be a handful, but I would not trade him for anything. In all honesty, my life was utterly boring until the day he came into it, and I have never been the same since.

So, goodnight for now, PB, and I love you very much.

Love,  
Your Mama

* * *

_“For you created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.”_ ~Psalm 139:13


End file.
